


karfunkel's master plan for world domination

by jonphaedrus



Series: What Does M.T. Stand For Anyway? [4]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, honourary mention to cats licking armpits, i tried my best to fit every stupid thing cats do in here, mentions of eating disorders, which did not make it in here but is a very stupid thing cats do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 09:39:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9883790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/pseuds/jonphaedrus
Summary: (22:40)“Kar!” Your Human yells, “Did you have to take a giant shit on the floor right before I had to brush my teeth?”You know you have been naughty.You go to sit in the plate cupboard and yell at the wall.





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompted by a tunglr anon, title [from this song which is also coincidentally the ballad of all versions of kar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M780jEAsNb8)
> 
> see how many memes you can spot

_(5:00)_

The Unwanted Human awakes when you get onto his bedside table and start hitting his lamp with your tail, and rouses fully before you knock his phone on the floor. As per usual, he does so without any complaint at all, except when it comes time to extract himself from Your Human, who has _lots_ to say, hands grasping for The Unwanted Human, face turned up for pets. The Unwanted Human ignores him and goes to stand in the portable waterfall (that he _will not let you in_ ), and you take his spot, curling up next to Your Human and tucking yourself into his arms. He is so pleased to see you that he purrs, rubbing his whiskers on yours, and you bathe his forehead for the entire time The Unwanted Human is in the waterfall, purring back at him.

When The Unwanted Human emerges in new fur, he comes over and shoves you out of the way, and you grab his hand and gently bite it as he leans over to bathe Your Human, rubbing their noses together. Your Human purrs at him, too, and you growl vaguely, even though it is pointless.

You follow The Unwanted Human to the kitchen and stand on top of the Food Box while he makes himself breakfast, and yell at him until he feeds you too, haphazardly dashing dry kibble into your bowl. Then, momentarily pleased, you bump his legs and go to eat.

As soon as he is gone, you go back to bed with Your Human, who lifts the blanket for you as you climb under, tucking up alongside the curve of his chest, your whiskers tickling his chin. “Hello, sweetheart,” he murmurs, scratching the side of your neck. “There’s my lovely boy.”

 

 

_(11:00)_

Your Human wakes you up by rubbing your belly until you unspool out over his lap, purring and wildly kneading the air. “Hello,” he coos, leaning forward to bathe your nose as you paw at his face. “Look at my boy, keeping me company all morning.” You open your eyes and find him smiling down at you, his funny extra face upon his face. He rubs at his eyes behind the little glass panes, scratches the underside of your neck, over your chest. “What a good sweet boy.”

You purr more for him.

“Do you want breakfast, Kar?”

You purr _extra_ because Unwanted Human gives shitty breakfast, just kibbles and nothing nice. Your Human gives you _proper_ breakfast, and you stand up and follow him to the edge of the bed, stretch your paws out for his shoulders as he picks you up under the arms, hoists you into his hold, and buries his face in your fur before taking you to the kitchen.

This morning, he lets you have an egg with half a pat of butter, and you purr at the top of your lungs as he blends his smoothie, combs your tail, and drags out his morning rituals. “You are a spoilt mama’s boy,” he tells you, offering you licks of the milk foam off of the top of his cup. “Extremely spoiled.” When you’ve eaten, you follow him to the waterfall and climb in with him.

“You’re stupid,” he tells you, affectionate, and you twine between his ankles as he turns on the water, spraying you down with the stream until you are soaking wet, and you bathe with him, licking water off of the floor, until he’s done.

He towel dries you, and you go to sleep, purring and overjoyed, by the hot spot just under the window.

 

 

_(12:00)_

Your Human is gone.

The Bed Is Yours.

 

 

_(13:00)_

You find a foam ball nestled in the couch cushions.

 

 

_(13:10)_

You lose the foam ball under the couch.

_  
_

_  
_

_(13:15)_

You find a foam ball under the other side of the couch.

_  
_

_  
_

_(13:30)_

You lose the foam ball under the closet door, but you are bored, so you don’t care.

 

 

_(14:00)_

You spend a very productive ten minutes knocking every single paper weight off of The Unwanted Human’s desk and onto the floor, and then batting them one by one under the couch.

 

 

_(14:20)_

You artfully position a hairball atop The Unwanted Human’s house-shoes, so that delicate strands of fur are dripping just very slightly onto the interior sole.

You are pleased. He will be very angry.

 

 

_(15:00)_

The mail flap rattles.

your name is Kar,  
and wen its dae,  
and all humans,  
haf gon awae,  
you wait to striek,  
without fail,  
you do your job -  
you bite the maile.

 

 

_(15:34)_

There are birds outside.

Much yelling is required.

 

 

_(15:44)_

You are extremely excited because of the birds, and it is time to ricochet back and forth across the apartment.

You do not remember falling asleep, you simply do.

 

 

_(18:30)_

You awaken to the sound of the front door creaking open. “Kar!” says Your Human, affronted, “My mail!” You roll over and stretch your paws out with a _prrrt-me?_ as he bends over, kicks off his heels, and comes into the living room. “I want to see my little boy!” Your Human calls, his voice echoing through the room, and you roll more, kneading the air as he comes over, bends over, and sweeps you into his arms. “I want to see my little boy!” You wrap your paws around his face and rub your whiskers all over his whiskers until he’s laughing. “There's my little boy!”

 

 

_(18:33)_

“Ardyn!” The Unwanted Human yells, as you are busy bathing Your Human’s whiskers, “Your cat puked on my slippers again!”

“He would never!” Your Human replies, gazing down at you. “Would you, Kar?”

You purr.

(You would never.)

 

 

_(19:00)_

For dinner, Your Human gives you your usual can of tasty wet food, and you twine around his ankles yelling at the top of your lungs until he plops it onto your plate. “You spoil that cat,” The Unwanted Human says, drinking at the Table You Are Not Allowed On. Since you are not allowed on the table, you finish eating and instead get in the plate cupboard and glare balefully out at Your Human as he goes to the table to eat. “He’s huge.”

“Just like me!” Your Human replies, scratching your back just above your tail as he walks over to join The Unwanted Human. “Are you saying me being fat is a bad thing?”

“No,” splutters The Unwanted Human. “If you weigh any less than that I know you’re starving yourself again.” Your Human flips his hair.

“We’re big-boned,” he says.

 

 

_(20:20)_

Your Human and The Unwanted Human shut you out of the bedroom for The Yelling Time.

You spend the following hour with both your front paws shoved under the door crack and yelling. They do not let you in. You can hear Your Human moaning and The Unwanted Human crying.

It is all very stressful.

 

 

_(21:38)_

They let you in, and Your Human lays sprawled without his fur on the bed. You tuck up next to his arms and lick the sweat off of his chest, purring and worried. “He worries,” Your Human says, face burrowed into The Unwanted Human’s stomach. “I think he thinks you’re hurting me.”

“He should be more worried about the nail scratches I’m going to have all over my back for the next week,” The Unwanted Human grumbles. “You need to trim those.”

“Noo,” Your Human sighs. “They were just getting to be the right length, too!”

 

 

_(21:50)_

You curl up over Your Human and The Unwanted Human’s feet and doze for a time as they read before sleeping. Every once in a while, Your Human gives you a treat.

 

 

_(22:18)_

The couch exists, and it is time to scratch it.

The couch is very offensive and needs to be scratched.

 

 

_(22:40)_

“Kar!” Your Human yells, “Did you have to take a giant shit on the floor _right before_ I had to brush my teeth?”

You know you have been naughty.

You go to sit in the plate cupboard and yell at the wall.

 

 

_(23:50)_

“Bedtime!” Your Human calls, as he comes into the living room and forcefully pulls you off of the back of the couch where you have velcro’d down. You wave your head at him in fury and then start immediately purring as he cradles you, pawing gently at his whiskers. “Oh, I know. Your life is very hard,” he tells you, bathing the top of your head once.

It is only once the lights are out and they have settled in to sleep that you roll over, grab The Unwanted Human’s foot in all four of your paws, and bite the top of it just below his ankle through the blankets _hard._

“Ardyn!” The Unwanted Human yells, kicking at you ineffectually as you roll back over like you did nothing at all, “Your damn cat is biting me again!”

You purr.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr and twitter @jonphaedrus


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